In The Bleachers (pt. 1)

While many parents were cheering on the girls this weekend at State, I was possibly silently tearing up in the bleachers, overcome with some intense God moments.

It’s like God silently snuck in and sat down beside me and then whispered, “Child, don’t you see?”

And then He opened my eyes and heart to what may be obvious for some, but not for me.

As I sat there watching Aubyn on the mats, it struck me how intently she watched her coaches and took in every word they said.

Head up, eyes locked, absorbing it all, and processing it.

They spoke, she nodded.

They smiled, she smiled.

They demonstrated a move, she copied.

And as I sat there watching, it struck me just how important who instructing her is.

She only has the coaches she has. The extent of their knowledge is the extent of her knowledge.

These women are who she looks to to teach her, correct her, inspire her, encourage her, and keep her safe. She looks to them for answers and believes that following them will get her the results she wants.

She trusts them wholeheartedly and seeks their reassurance and approval.

And while her team of coaches are good, as I sat there observing, I couldn’t help but think about their shortcomings and how their limitations affects my daughter’s growth as a gymnast.

Then it dawned on me how she looks at me for the same things and that my limitations can become her limitations. And I started wondering, where am I holding her back because of my inabilities, insecurities, or fears? What am I not teaching her because I just don’t know? What am I modeling for her, both positive and negative?

Oh the weight of being a mom.

And then my God moment…

But oh the grace and goodness of God.

On my own, I am utterly deficient.

Utterly.

Sure, I can muster up some knowledge, love her deeply, and encourage her until the cows come home, but even on my best days, I will still fall short.

But God.

And that’s where God said, “Yeah, but me. She can look to me. And don’t forget, I am here for you too. My love is not just for her. You are my daughter too and I love you just as much as you think I love her. My love for you is no different than my love for her. Remember that. What you want for your daughter is the same that I want for you.”

Oh man…the tears just came. I never can accept that God loves me the way I love my daughter. It’s one piece of this that I truly struggle with, but I’ll save that for another day too.

Back to Aubyn…

Her coaches can coach her, I can parent her, and her teachers can teach her, but there will come a time when that is not enough. (truth is, it’s never enough, but that’s another story)

I am not enough, but God. I can look to Him for help raising her.

And Aubyn, on her own, will have to decide to look up to Him for answers, approval, encouragement, you name it.

We will all fall short and fail her in some way, but He never will.

And I pray that I can model that for her. Teach her that there is one who she can look to with those beautiful eyes of hers who does know all.

One who does not fall short or have off days. Who perfectly instructs and gently corrects. Who encourages and provides hope without blowing smoke.

And while I love seeing my daughters eyes searching my face for answers, there is no one I would want her to look at with such longing eyes than Him.