Imposter Syndrome
I have a prayer request…
I am flying to an Advanced Leadership Retreat and am having a bunch of feelings.
First of all, I am terrified of flying. It doesn’t get easier and I always dread getting on the plane. I always picture the piece on the news about a sweet mom of 4 whose plane went down and left her adoring husband and kids devastated…little dramatic? Too much? That’s where my brain goes!
But more than that, I am shaky in the knees about what I am attending.
Did you see where I said I was going?
It has LEADER in the name of it.
I do not see myself as a leader. Maybe of my family, but that’s mostly because they have no choice but to follow me…at least for now.
My husband says he’s always seen me as a leader and doesn’t get why I don’t. My mentor sees something in me and patiently waits for me to realize it. And I guess maybe others see it too. I’m not sure. But my problem is that I don’t see it. Sometimes I get glimpses, but more often than not, I see myself as a person who’s just going along with the flow.
So while walking this morning, I realized I need to pray about this and am asking you to pray for me as well. Here’s what came to mind. Feel free to pray the same or ask God for something different for me. I’ll take any and all prayers…
God,
First of all, thank you for this amazing opportunity you have brought before me. I may be many things, but stupid is not one of them. I know that nothing in your world is by mistake and it is no coincidence that this invitation was extended to me at this particular time. I know I did not qualify, nor do I have the experience or the breadth that many of the fellow participants have, but I know you want me in the rooms. There is now way I could say no to an experience like this, especially when I know it is your doing.
As my mentors have said, I was chosen to go. It was not a light decision to extend me an invitation. I belong there even though I do not feel worthy. Even though I feel like an impostor, there is not an ounce of dishonesty that has led me to where I am today. Those in charge see me as I am, my strengths and my stumbling blocks, and still want me there.
God, help me to see the leader in me that those around me see. Remove from me any doubts or blocks that are standing in the way of my usefulness. Remove from me the insecurities that stand in my way of the calling you have placed on my life. Remove from me that little voice that tells me I am not good enough so that I can get out of my own way and help the next person that reaches out.
God, help me stand firm on the foundation you have laid for me and take the steps that you are so clearly putting in front of me. Still my shaking knees and my quivering voice, so that I can walk boldly and speak confidently on the matters you need me to speak on.
God, thank you for holding my hand and guiding me through this just as I hold my child’s hand - encouraging each step and keeping them out of harm’s way. I may let them stumble and fall, but I do not let go. If I stumble and fall, Lord, help me up and remind me that failure is not failing. I am growing and becoming and the process does not define me. Remove from me those all or nothing tendencies.
God, thank you for this opportunity and for doing a work in my timid heart. I am not a lion of courage that goes racing in, but that does not mean I am not willing. I’d rather not be pushed, but I know that is not your nature. You invite and I accept.
God, help me to step into the fullness that you have promised.
God, I know this is not a church event, but fill the rooms with your presence so that all said is said in love, charity, and grace. Empower the speakers to speak right to not only my heart, but all of those in the room. For many of us, this is a ministry where we get to be your hands and feet. Keep my mind and heart open to receiving all there is to receive this weekend as if I was listening to Pastor Alex.
I thank you for all these people praying for me right now and the gentleness in which they hold my vulnerability.
In your sweet son’s name, Amen.
