Grass in My Hair

When I was in graduate school, I would call my dad and ask for his sage advice on how to stop procrastinating and get started writing a paper.

FYI, I did this countless times…

Anything was better than sitting down and writing, especially when I had no clue what I was writing about.

He would say, “Cathleen, want to know the secret to starting a paper?”

“Yeah dad! What’s the secret?”

“You start writing.”

Dead air.

He wasn’t wrong. There is no magic bullet. No secret answer. You just start.

That’s where I find myself today.

I’ve been in a hole since I last wrote several weeks ago. Stuck somewhere in my head and my thoughts and not taking any action.

Sidenote…the Leadership Retreat was amazing! I love the women I coach with and loved getting to know them better, challenging ourselves to grow, and just walking through hard things together. My biggest takeaway? Leadership really starts with leading myself well, something I really struggle with but am leaning into.

But back to writing.

Since that trip, I have been trying to figure out a problem in my head and it has been wearing me down and really affecting my mood.

And I’ve been stuck.

I haven’t been going for my walks with God. I haven’t been praying. I haven’t been reading. I haven’t been seeking.

I’ve just been stuck.

Instead, I’ve been looking for the answer from the same source that was creating the problem and it hurt.

So today I stopped and realized I couldn’t do this anymore. I went outside and walked. Halfway back I just laid on the grass and asked God, “What do YOU want to do? What do YOU want me to do?” And then I just laid there.

I wish I could say I got an answer, but I didn’t. Or at least not in the way I was hoping to.

God did reveal some things though that gave me some insight on how I process things and interact with people and that about broke me. I never think of trauma and things that wounded me when I was younger, but I did today and the tears just came and came.

In the grand scheme of things, my younger years were good ones, but there are those little arrows and daggers that leave scars. Scars that you thought were healed over and long gone until you realize they aren’t. They affect who you are and how you interact with the world.

So I’m processing that now and want to go to some of my oldest friends and just sit with them and be with them. Ask them questions, cry, talk, heal.

But God had better plans for me. He scheduled a hair appointment way in advance knowing in my friend’s chair would be exactly where I needed to be on this day. And it was.

She picked a stray piece of grass out of my hair, laughed at the fact it was even there, and then asked about the heaviness she was feeling from me. For the next bit, and a complete shock to me, I cried and processed and cried some more. She listened and hugged me.

And no, she is not your typical hairdresser you tell everything to. I mean, she is, but she’s more than that. A long time friend who we’ve walked through a lot with and just adore. Plus, our kids are besties and she’s like a 2nd mom to my crew.

But this was new. To be vulnerable and raw and trust her with my heart. I tend to keep people at a distance while I work through things. Only projecting the positive, which there is so much of! But somewhere along the way, I learned it’s safer to just rely on myself to figure things out and not bother people. And what do you know, that is right where God is being a surgeon in me, to help me let people in and let them know exactly where I am.

I do not doubt God brought me to the place I needed to be today or the person I was supposed to be with. I also know God is bringing up stuff to get it out and to prepare me for better things. This is the gutting I guess I was talking about in New Residents, but I am so ready for this “remodel” to be done and the new stuff to be brought in!

So while this may be a hodge podge of thoughts, it feels good to just write. To start again. And to know there is more to be written.